Before i begin my whinin. I just wana thank d guys for tryin their best to make my bday nice. Thanks to mizi for fetchin me to work n takin me to lunch... Haha... He said its my bday so i must be chauffered around and made to feel special hahaha... The lunch part... wah seriously thanks for comin on last min notice... all my colleagues were caught up w last min cases... hahaha...

Then thanks to the 7 guys who hung out w me after work... mizi, ali, fai, khairul, alvin, eish, danial... oh den d ones who came after... matin, iylia... altho i was actually on d phone quite a bit... but thanks for the company larh hor ppl...

Oh n thanks mizi ali fai n alvin for dinner at popeyes hahaha... altho i noe i only ate one small piece... but thanks for the nice gesture

Thanks also to my colleagues... for the cheesecake... n my managers for the choc cake... was very unexpected...

Thanks mizi for the perfume also.

Thanks to the mystery sender for the bouquet of pink n purple roses n d graduation bear... oh n d princess card... hahaha... whoever you are... you must have paid attention to what i said. Firstly, PURPLE roses... OMG I loveeeee purple. And graduation bear. WHO ARE YOU??! How you know I am graduating this week? How you know I like purple? How you know its my birthday?? AND MOST IMPORTANTLY. How did you know the exact address of where my office is???!!! Whatever it is, you have kept me wondering. Next time please sign off so that at least i can thank you personally. And so that i wont go insane. Thanks. Haha.

Thanks to the interns for the kitkat hahah... cute

And thanks to all of you who wished me.

Ok. Now to the venting.

Aiya too tired to vent. BYE

23072009 10.41pm

In about a few hours time... it will be my birthday...

I was quite happy just now because i received a delivery... first time ever got a delivery gift... hahaha... from far east flora... my lovely kak nora sent it... hahaha... 3 sunflowers n a lion teddy... so so cuteee... oh n a spa voucher or sth like tt... haven really see... yea... i love the card also... nice stuff...

sooooooo niceeeeeeeeeeeee

yea... oh of coz.. hudsy already bought me my gift like a mth earlier hahaha... an esprit purse... thank you very much babe...

anyway... those of u who really noe me... wld noe i kinda hate my bday... so i am actually feelin a bit low... plus... w recent events... d breakup n all... yea... juz feel... dots

Plus fallin a bit sick hor... suay right?

Den lets see... my new job is interesting... i got 2 cases.. one is 2mrw... so yea... faint. on my bday this is my present hahahahahahaha

Bought some chocs to give colleagues 2mrw... tts abt it...

Nothing much to look forward to larh hor... k la... wana slp

11.11pm 21072009

YEssah... i have 2 job offers... decided liao on one... long storyyyyy man

Anyway... i juz wana say to all u ppl out there... hahah who r thinkin of buyin me presents for my upcoming birthday... hahahahaha.... please just buy me work related stuff yea... hahaha u noe... like a work bag... work wallet, work pen... work clothes hahahaah yea... coz i am sooooooo lackin in those things hahahahaahahahah... sheesh so shameless ok bye

Today I couldnt sleep very well. I kept wakin up alot. Had seriously weird dreams. Of beggin a certain person to return. Anyway, since i cldnt slp... i decided to get up, n jog my arse off. I decided to put on shorts n sleeveless so tt i can bake my skin to the same colour of my arms since the cyclin i did.

So. I jogged from home to dam to lower seletar reservoir... was quite alright... But then on d way back, i tripped on some uneven granite ground... n twisted my ankle. HAHAHA! Expected. So i guess the conclusion is, its me. Not the bicycle. Not my brother. But just me. Cause joggin also can fall. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

Anyway so i limped back home. That was when. I felt it. OMG. The cramps. The aches. THE PAIN. Haha. POWER LARH. Im lovin it. SO DAMN PAIN. But i prefer physical pain. Haha. Den i got home. I did my crunches. Den i went to shower.

Got dressed. Met crystal n went to serangoon to buy me convo gownnnnnnn!!!!! AIYOOOooooo so excited can. But liao. Fetched fidah n brot her home w me. Haha. Den camwhore lo. W d gown. Even mummy joined in d camwhorin... I dunno how to explain d feeling. I've grown up watchin my cousins... my close cousins graduate. Well 2 of them. And each time, they would ask, wana try the gown on? Haha, as much as it was a temptation, I would always always say nope. Bcoz i had a superstition. If i wear d gown prematurely, I would end up not gettin to wear my own. Haha! Yea yea... oh well... plus its a motivational factor... n finally!!! After so many long yrs... i got my very own convo gownnnnnnnnnnn... super damn happy can. At first, after get results, din really feel like u noe graduated. But after today. Buyin n all... den start to feel a bit u noe... woah... gettin thr... hahaha.. hopefully whn i convocate, i will feel even morehappy... afterall, i shdnt let wateva's happenin dampen moments like these... Hard to come by moments. Yeap. Must celebrate all of life's victories.

Den after all d camwhorin... ang, fidah n i went swimmin. With my legs still cramping... i dunno y i agreed... oh yea... coz it was sure to be fun! I usually do 10 laps right... but today i cld only manage 6... coz i was aching. Den played ard w my bro lo... Tried to teach fidah to swim... den i practised my diving... so damn fun larh. Morbid maybe.. but havin zero breath n den juz sittin on d floor of d pool n listenin... feels like absolute calm.

I loveeee it.

Den we went home. N i literally screamed w each step. I cldnt step wo feelin surges of sharp pain up my ankle, knees n d area between my hipbone n my legs. WALAO. Haha. SUPERB PAIN. And we walked home lei haha... so the whole way back i was like argh arghhhhhhhhhhhh arghhhhhhhhhhhh hahahah... so farnie.

N climbin stairs. OMG. Shiokkkkk. :p

Okay. Think i will go retire. Too shagged... 2mrw working. ADIOS

110609 9.04pm

I find that it is becomin a pattern. One day I will be feelin like I got a hang of things. The next day, I would feel like Im crashing. Haha. And today is the latter.

Woke up feelin like i wasnt ready to face today. But i woke up anyways... Dressed up. Went to work. I'm readin the Witch of Portobello. So far very interesting. I love Paolo Coehlo. Such a simple approach to writing... yet... efficient and spell-binding.

Spell-binding.

Anyway, work was alright. I bought some stuff for aniqi as wished by lily. I had a mini attack at work but it was ok. Yea. Short day. Ended at five.

Ang came to pick me up. He was using lily's car to get around... to book stuff for his wedding. Hmm. We wanted to pick irfan n lily up but they knocked off at 8... so we ended up goin marina barrage to pass time. Ang bought ben n jerrys n some snacks. Den we sat there eatin n chattin... I find it super easy to hang w ang n fidah... Coz both of them r easy goin... as opposed to irfan. He's too rigid ard me. Shrug. Anyway, fidah n I went to play at the baby pool... Hahah... quite fun... camwhore n all...

Den we still had some time... so ang drove ard d cbd area... den we went tanjong pagar... i saw d area ard amara hotel... mnd... sigh. too recent. Life. Haha. Its so... Unpredictable. One moment, I'm there, absolutely happy w someone, d next, i lost it all. I rmbr standin close to him... lookin up at him... my fingers tidyin up his shirt button area near his neck... huggin him... Moments like tt... chokes me up. I should stay away from tanjong pagar area...

Sigh. Think today is another day of weakness arh. I kept hearing bike sounds... den i kept goin to my window... secretly, no not secretly, hoping, i could catch another glimpse of my knight on steel horse. Hoping against hope that I can just return to that period of time. When i had him. And when everyday feels like there's nothing else to do but to rejoice. To rejoice in the blessing of each other. Days when just having a few minutes with him, no, a few mins of a view of him in the carpark, just makes my day...

Sigh... If i may quote from the book im reading now...
"Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word. The truth is that we don't want to be saved in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion." (Coehlo, 2007)

Humans. Allah, I am scared. Please, guide me before I lose my way again...

11.07pm 100609

I just realized that sis has been observin me very closely... Haha... tt day when i followed her ard while she bought her groceries... i saw milk tea packages... it caused a series of flashbacks for me... strawberry milk tea and the works... Anyway, whenever such things happen, apparently, i go into stone zoned out state... n sis was talkin to me but i din realize right... den she was like izyannnnnnn hahaha, wat now? Den she was like u havin flashbacks is it? Woah... i tell u... no one has ever i dunno... took much notice and made the links....

Den today... in d car... drivin to ssdc... i saw a bike lookin exactly like his at the traffic light... i made a deep inhale... n den sis was like so wat now? Hahaa... den i told her lo. Den she laughed... she said she thinks shes very intuned w me... coz she detects all my sudden zoned out states... i tink so too lei... haha.

Anyway, ang bought his nikah clothes liao... so cool... 2mrw dey r gna do all the bookings... i tot i wana follow... but i guess tt wldnt b too good an idea. So yea. Goin to stick to go work. But, askin ang to fetch me since hes takin d car. haha. OKay. Slp time. No CSI time.

11.08pm 090609

Wahseh... this was a risk tt could turn out to b a disaster. Hahah... had i not been ready... i could end up feelin like shit.

Anyway, i wanted to help sis buy sth from carrefour... some car thing... n d thing was on sale for 4 days only... i had nth to do today... so yealo... decided to go. Huda wasnt free... but I wasnt expecting any company anyway. I woke up today... thinkin oh shit, the past few days of eating out has taken a toll n put my previous exercisin to waste! Haha. So i got up n exercised. Did 200 crunches, leg raises... d works... Den felt a bit better... i showered n changed n packed. I intended to go suntec to get the stuff, den come back n swim!

So i went. It turned out they ran out of tt thing tt sis wana get. So i ended up buyin baby clothes for 1 dollar! Hahah... how cool... n the clothes are so cuteeeeeeeeeeeee.... power larh. N can i juz say i loveeeeeee cotton on... cheap n niceeeeeeee... Den i had enough of suntec. So i went back to yishun... I walked to safra... den swam 10 laps... den walked home. All the while feeling very stable and happy! Hahah... I was thinkin eh! There's no hurting feelin at all. No whining nor pining. Just. Contented with my ability to deal with a whole day alone. I think i am becoming quite an independent girl. And i loveeeeeeeeee my walks. This i just recently discovered. I like my long walks home. Its sooooooo nicey. Its during these walks that I find myself feeling quite confident of my ability to take care of myself. Yea.

Anyway, yday i was home all day. hahah! BUmmin lo. Oh den sis called asked me to accompany her to a doc appt. I agreed so i met her at yishun. We went to Sun Plaza... woahhhhhhhhhh so funnnnn... saw aniqi n heard aniqi's heartbeat. Can cry larh. Walao. Damn niceeeeeee... He's so chubbyyyyyyyyyy... his cheeks... aiyoooo... oh btw, hes still in d tummy.. haha... its juz tt d doc did a 3d scan... so we saw his face... hes now 3kg. SO BIG. Around one month more to go... Walao... CAnnot WAITTTT... Den we went home. N den went to fetch irfan from ssdc. Den home again. Haha. Den i damn shagged.

DEN... 2 days ago... I was workin.. Den i bot aniqi this soccer toy... aiyooo so cute. haha. I love my shop's toys larh. So irresistable. Forever larh. Anyway, after work i met wadi for dinner... den we were bored. Din noe wat to do. He said go night safari arh. Den i was like so late... closed liao larh. Haha! But we still went larh.. coz we din noe wat time close ma... reached thr... tot abt goin in... den changed our minds... walked ard d shops... made fun of d stuff thr... haha... den ate ben n jerry's den went home. Planned to go night safari properly next week. If i still have enough money. :p

OKay. Im goin to have dinner. N den go out w sis. hahah... take irfan. Working 2mrw. Sian. But better den nth. :p

9.22pm 090609

Today was a day filled with challenge that almost broke me. Haha. Ya.

Woken up by lily knockin on my door. Haha... walao... paiseh... i woke up lookin so disheveled n my sis n parents were already dressed. Irritatin larh. So i quickly got dressed. We went to jurong. To get the free laptop tt irfan arranged for us to get. Anyway. We used the gps system to find our way to the industrial park. The stupid gps. Brot us the long way. Via clementi. Thanks hor gps. U damn power. So. The roads. The Place. The works. And den, it brot us to jurong east right.. den i rmbred la... dat d bus i take to nuh went tt way... so i rmbred all my stuff... flashbacks... my feelings... my anxiety of being caught in traffic n being late... d works. I almost cried... Den i literally held my breath. I messaged huda tt im dying! Haha! Den she said think straight. Haha. Like tt helped. Anyway, after takin d laptop... we went to bukit panjang... walao i tell u... d gps really larh... walao... brot us ard almost every road tt mattered. I was losing it lo by the time we got to bukit panjang... thank god i was distracted by rinna, lily's sis. We went bukit panjang to get stuff from lily's parents... her mum bought me a giraffe tshirt hahah so cuteeee... whn she called, i told lily to say thanks i love it... den d mum was like yeaaaa its so cuteee... hahaah... amazing... tt my sis-in-law's parents noe wat i like. Hahahah! I like her family alot.

Den we decided to go back to amk n fetch irfan from ssdc... but we still had an hr to kill... so i decided to bring them to charco chicken... upon fazli's recommendation. Den oh. Shaiful called me. Before leavin for japan. Den he said its dawnin on him how crazy the idea is. *roll eyes* Oh now den u realize. So anyway, i quickly asked dad like quick tips on hw to survive in japan. Den i messaged him la... like whrs d islamic area... whr to go... d weather... den i realized eh shit. Im actually discussin stuff w daddy... Den as we were talkin we got to the place... n den dad actually teased me... said r u sure this place halal.... looks like a chinese hawker centre... den he asked sure not nice... .hahaha... den i said nice larhhh... so many good feedback... den we ate la... n den my dad like... in fact i tink he will go thr w mum lo next time... during their dates. hahaahah dots. Tt was nice. Den we tapaued for irfan n went to ssdc to fetch him.

Den we went to kak lina's house... my paternal cousin. She just gave birth to a girl...hahaha... she told lily dun worry, lily will get boy coz she will get girl hahaha! Seems true. Anyway, i damn happy can. Get to carry baby... But... d day got tougher... dey were discussin children, marriage... den my cousin said she regret... if she knew, she would have not planned n immediately started havin kids... bcoz being older, its hard to entertain them... Den tt was one of my direct pangs... of pain in my heart. I've always wanted to be a young parent. Bahhhhhhhhhh... den alot larh. She asked me my age. I said 22 goin 23. Den she was like oh. I was married by then. Hahahahah thanks lo. Hahahahahah... Alot of stuff... N i was keepin it together arh... but inside i was thinkin shiattttttttttttttttttssssss.... Hahaahah... if it isnt wat i really want in life. I wldnt give a shit. But its ALL i want from life. Darnit. I dun even give a real shit abt gettin my degree. I cldnt care less. Sigh. Life.

We left the place at abt 6plus... Den in d car... i cldnt take it larh. Walao. Haha. Guess whr we were heading?? Expo. Power. Baby fair. ARGH. Its like triple whammy in a day. So whn we were in d car. I started misting. Haha. I cldnt take it. I started crying. But i turned away so i dun tink anyone caught it except lily. Anyway it turned out it was boring... d fair was lousy. Den they tot of goin east coast to eat. Walao. I tell u. I JUST WANTED TO DIE. But dad was tired. Wanted to go home. So we went home. THANK GOD. I do not think i can take anymore. Its like i damn fuckin hate tt place lo. Things started crashin. Den irfan tot go sempang bedok. I also tot no no no pleaseeee... lucky dad was really really tired. Coz irfan kept sayin or changi? Or sempang bedok or east coast?? Walao. All 3 places. Will crack me to pieces. Dad insisted on home. So we went home.

Mum cooked. Ate dinner. Den lily sat w me in my room. Den she asked me wats up. Den i said i havin withdrawal symptoms arh. Den she was like now den withdrawal? Den i was like haha... coz today was hard. Den i told her la. D baby, d discussions... D places. I said damn hard. Today damn hard for me. I said i wldnt even feel so horrid if i din get my degree had i juz gotten my own family. I said im happy for everyone. I am. Its just i wish i have it too. Den she was like dun worry, u will. I hope so lo. Sigh.

Anyway, we talked more. Den irfan said we goin courts at tampines. W my aunt. So we all went lo. Turns out courts was closed by the time we reached so we went giant. We bought some stuff. Den headed home. I couldnt wait to end d day. Seriously. Today was just too hard. I want my baby. I want my hubby. I want my family. Allah, I'm trying my best to be patient. I am.

2mrw im returnin to work at tanglin for now. I need to earn while waitin for the bugger job tts like sigh. AIYA dun wana talk abt it. BYE PEEPS

06/06/09 11.45pm